


I Have These Thoughts So Often I Ought

by headfirstfrhalos (orphan_account)



Category: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Genre: Gen, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 08:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3930121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/headfirstfrhalos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You were my car radio. But now I just sit in silence.</p>
<p>Songfic based off of the Twenty One Pilots song "Car Radio." Second person point of view, sad Hiro, etc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Have These Thoughts So Often I Ought

_

I ponder of something great,

My lungs will fill and then deflate,

They fill with fire,

Exhale desire,

I know it's dire,

My time today.

_

You wake up on the brink of screaming. Fire is behind your eyelids every time you blink. When you were younger you never knew if you could smell or taste in your dreams. With the heavy, choking scent of smoke and the taste of ash on your tongue, you can firmly say that yes, you can. Beads of sweat run down your face. Some has pooled where your joints have bent. Your heart is hammering a frantic rhythm and the moonlight gently streaming through your opened window isn't helping. You toss the too-hot blankets off of you and reach to turn on the light. A horrid mess reveals itself in the golden light.

It's been a month. It's been a month since your stupid brother ran into that stupid fire to save his stupid teacher. It's been a month since you dressed in black, when it was okay for you to cry in front of everyone (You didn't. You're not sure if that's a good thing.) It isn't okay now. Everyone's gotten over it so much better than you have and you can't help but blame yourself.  
 __

 _

I have these thoughts so often I ought,

To replace that slot with what I once bought,

'Cause somebody stole my car radio,

And now I just sit in silence.

_

If only you had held on tighter. If only you had yelled louder, begged harder, dared to put your foot down, did something, anything to keep him alive. You knew how much your brother cared for Callaghan.

You know you shouldn't blame him. You know that. He did that out of pure selflessness and heroism, two traits you admit to having some troubles with. You shouldn't hate someone for caring about another.  
 __

 _

Sometimes quiet is violent.

I find it hard to hide it, my pride is no longer inside,

It's on my sleeve, my skin will scream,

Reminding me of who I killed inside my dream,

I hate this car that I'm driving, there's no hiding for me,

I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real.

I could pull the steering wheel.

_

You see? He was better than you, better than you'll ever be, a nasty, twisted version of the voice in your head snarls. You hate that you didn't run after him right away. What were you doing, hesitating? You rub your hands against your face, squeezing your eyes shut as if to keep the bad thoughts away.

"I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay..."

You chant to yourself like a mantra to distract yourself. The silence is overwhelming despite it. The red-green-blue spots behind your closed eyelids get brighter as you press your palms into your eyes. Your hands feel too cold and your eyes too hot, a herald to the incoming onslaught of tears. The warm light of the lamp is too exposing, glowing behind your eyelids like the explosion. The analogy sends you leaping for the switch. You're plunged back into darkness.  
 __

 _

I ponder of something terrifying,

'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind,

I find over the course of our human existence,

One thing consists of consistence,

And it's that we're all battling fear,

Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here,

Oh my, too deep, please stop thinking,

I liked it better when my car had sound.

_

You're scared, like the first day you woke up staring at an empty bed across the room. For the first time in your life, you had felt genuinely isolated. Not alone, you liked being by yourself, but with the assurance that you could look around and always find someone there for you. That someone was usually Tadashi, and you never felt lonely with him there, always bustling around, singing loudly, resting his chin on your head as you worked on Megabot or some other contraption. You would pretend to be annoyed, and sometimes you actually were, but you would feel a warmth in your heart regardless because it meant that he cared.

You remembered the time when you were in high school at the tender age of twelve. It was horrible. No one gave a shit about how young you were, because your smart mouth and arrogance had to be corrected. They'd shout you down in class, they'd steal your papers and rewrite them with the wrong answers. But they'd never leave a mark on you or shame you online. They knew Tadashi, who had graduated a year ago. They knew how crazy he was about you when the two of you were in SFHS together, you eleven and he eighteen. They remembered that he had been on the MMA team, delivering powerful kicks that sent the dangling sandbags swinging like an out-of-control pendulum. They didn't dare.

But he knew. He saw the exhausted look on your face when you came back home. You tried to hide it, but you're as easy to read as Dr. Seuss' ABCs. You'd spill. He'd curse himself because he couldn't help you more. You'd laugh him off, flexing your nonexistent muscles saying you could fight them off. He'd laugh along, but the worried shimmer in his eyes never left him. It was somehow the most comforting thing in the world, even if he could do nothing. But now you don't have even that.  
 __

 _

There are things we can do,

But from the things that work there are only two and from the two that we choose to do,

Peace will win, and fear will lose.

There's faith and there's sleep,

We need to pick one please, because faith is to be awake,

And to be awake is for us to think, and for us to think is to be alive,

And I will try with every rhyme to come across like I am dying to let you know you need to try to think!

_

You tried. You tried as hard as you could. Your cheeks would ache by the end of the day from smiling at Aunt Cass every time saw you. You didn't want to be dishonest with her, but you noticed the dark rings like ghosts under her eyes and knew that you shouldn't make things any harder for her. You tried to numb every thought and pang about him by running around the city, running as fast as your legs could carry you, trying to get your heart beating faster than the fatalistic thoughts whizzing in your head. But you can't outrun something that you're carrying.

There wasn't anywhere to turn. Tadashi's friends were all away at college doing whatever. Finding a therapist would involve telling your aunt, and then telling complete strangers about your life. No way. No one had really talked to you when you were still in school, so you had no old friends to call or visit. You tried to sew the tear in your heart with an unthreaded needle. Trying to do anything just hurt for no reason.  
 __

 _

I have these thoughts, so often I ought,

To replace that slot with what I once bought,

'Cause somebody stole my car radio,

And now I just sit in silence.

_

It had gotten worse over the past month. Your good days and bad days had grown more extreme, and the good ones were slowly but surely growing rarer. You don't know how many times you've wondered if life was worth it without the most important person in it. You admit that you were a bit dependent on Tadashi, but he was really the only constant in your entire life. Aunt Cass was great, she really was, but she just wasn't the same. If it wasn't for the knowledge that she was still hurting too you certainly would have taken a swim in the bay. Or decided to try out a flight-suit on top of the Golden Gate. Or decide that red was your favorite color. Or-

Stop it. This isn't helping you at all, stupid! you hiss at yourself. You sigh again. It's hard to keep those thoughts under control. They grow like a sprig of ivy next to a wall, laying siege and overtaking his entire mind. More than once you've found the beds of your nails filthy with blood when you scratched at your skin, trying to fight off something deadly behind your face and above your throat.

You catch yourself clawing at your face again. You gently rub your fingertips against the red, stinging skin as an apology. _I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish he didn't have to die. Why did you have to die, Tadashi? Why did you have to leave me and everyone behind?_

Your thoughts are chasing themselves in circles. You've run out of new things to think and you're running everything you have into the ground. You can't help it. It's all you have now. You shrug internally. It's not like you're hurting anyone. (You're hurting yourself but you don't take that into account.) You keep chasing your tail.  
 __

I ponder of something great

My lungs will fill and then deflate,

They fill with fire exhale desire,

I know it's dire, my time today.

Sometimes I hate him. Hate him for running in and trying to save another life. Hate him for being a good person, because how dare he value his teacher over his family, his brother, his life? Why did Tadashi have to grow up to be so kind? Why couldn't he ever understand when something was a lost cause? Why did he always focus on helping others so much? Now he can't be kind to anyone. Now he can't be anything but dead.  


I have these thoughts so often I ought,

To replace that slot with what I once bought,

'Cause somebody stole

My car radio,

And now I just sit in silence.

You turn onto your face and whimper into the pillow to keep your aunt from hearing. You don't want to wake her up. You sit in the dark, catching tears in the backs of your hands before they slide down your cheeks. The loneliness was all-encompassing.

And now you just sit in silence.

**Author's Note:**

> A.N: Thanks for reading this totally crappy fic. Interpret this however you like, I like to think that the car is Hiro's life and Tadashi is his car radio, i.e the only thing in his life that keeps him from going crazy. Callaghan is the thief, stealing Tadashi away. I really recommend you listen to the song and get into the band, Twenty One Pilots has some really amazing and introspective songs.


End file.
